The Woes of Parenthood
by synonyms for scream
Summary: Light Yagami had never expected to be a mother; much less an eighteen year-old, male, complete and utter virgin mother. L/Light


**The Woes of Parenthood** by _synonyms for scream_

**Summary:** Light Yagami had never expected to be a mother; much less an eighteen year-old, male, complete and utter _virgin_ mother. [L/Light]

**Disclaimer: **Yes, I own _Death Note_, as opposed to Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba owning it like the geniuses they are. That is clearly why I am sitting here writing bizarre fanfiction. Really. _Really._ Sarcasm is just _dreadfully_ hard to display through text, isn't it?

**Pairings:** L/Light.

**Warnings:** Crack, swearing, make-out scene, boy's love (... it means gay, guys. Wonderful, glorious _gay_).

**Notes:** ... Trust me. It's probably not what you think it is. Th-that doesn't mean it's not terribly cracky, though.

* * *

School with L -- or, "Hideki Ryuuga", whatever the bastard wanted to call himself -- was the worst.

Light had found, a while back, that it was increasingly difficult to concentrate on the boring drone of his teachers when L was sitting in the row behind him, wide eyes fixed on the back of the boy's head. He had complained to the detective about it multiple times, only to receive a slow blink and a drawl of, "But Light-kun cannot see me, surely it should not unnerve him."

It _did_. Every single hair on his neck stood up, he couldn't pick up his _pencil_ without feeling as though he was being judged on his actions, and every time L answered a question before Light could, his deep voice made Light jump, nearly out of his damn _seat_, and he could always feel his face heating up with embarrassment when L's eyes locked back onto him, just _watching_ him. The fact that he may or may not have found himself very mildly attracted to the man might not have helped, but he was sure that the whole 'crush' thing had already worn off.

Light was very good at lying to himself.

But no, it didn't rank as the most terrible experience in Light's mind until his Criminal Psychology teacher walked into the classroom one morning carrying several boxes, looking particularly happy with herself.

"Class," she announced, turning to them after she had finished carefully setting down the boxes. "We're going to be practising our _teamwork_ today."

A sense of dread started to creep up on Light.

"I've noticed that we don't tend to work in pairs a lot, or in groups at _all_ for that matter, so I thought we could give it a try... I've already drawn up who will be working with who, judging on the people you don't seem to get along with quite as well -- ah, well, anyway, as I should be saying! See, the Biology class was running experiments, and they had quite a few left over, so..."

Correction. A sense of dread crept up on Light and practically _tackled him to the floor_.

The woman swept the lid off one of the boxes with a giggle, and revealed its contents.

Eggs.

_Eggs_.

"... You're all going to be very proud parents for the next week!"

Light almost choked.

His teacher seemed all too joyous about the assignment. "Now, as for your partners..." Light tuned out then, and resisted the urge to throw a glance back at L, to see what his reaction to the upcoming 'parenthood' was. "-- Alright, very good, Ryuudo-kun. Er, ah, Ryuuga-kun?" Both Light and L perked up simultaneously. "You'll be sharing an egg with... Oh! Yagami-kun!" She laughed at the horrified expression that took over Light's features. "Won't that be nice, getting to spend more time together?"

He risked a peek at L.

L was staring right back at him.

Light groaned miserably and dropped his head onto his desk.

Yes, school with L was the absolute _worst_.

* * *

"... I still can't believe you!" Light nearly kicked his door open with sheer frustration, doing his best not to pull at his hair in exasperation. L walked in behind him, holding the egg they had been given carelessly between his thumb and forefinger, and for a moment, Light had to feel very grateful that his mother and sister were out for the day, and that his father was still at the police station; he didn't want to hear Sayu's questioning of his recently acquired 'project', nor _anyone's_ mention of his 'partner'. "You almost let it break! _Twice!_ And -- what the hell are you doing, holding it like that?!" He snatched the egg away from L and stormed into the kitchen to find something to keep it in.

L trailed along behind him, watching with wide, curious eyes.

"It needs something soft until I have the time to make a proper nest... Ah!" Light pulled a drinking glass from the cupboard he was digging through, and handed it to L over the counter. "Stuff it with tissues, alright? That will have to do for cushioning right now, I'll find something better tomorrow."

Obediently, he took the glass, snatched a handful of tissues from the box beside him and stuffed them in haphazardly. Light placed the egg inside the makeshift nest with the utmost care, and L snatched the thing back from him as soon as it was inside, speaking loudly over the boy's indignant squawk, "Light-kun is finished obsessing over the egg, we may continue with more important matters now!"

Light rolled his eyes, reached over the bench and plucked the glass from L's grip, placing it on the bench and slapping away L's approaching hand. "You can't just leave it like that, idiot! If it isn't kept at the right temperature, it might never hatch!" While Light raided the cupboards for a light-bulb of the correct wattage to keep the egg warm, L climbed onto a stool and watched thoughtfully, biting his thumb. "Or if it does, it might be ill, disfigured, underdeveloped, or have other serious health problems! How can you be such a heartless bastard, Ryuuzaki?! I swear, you--"

"Light-kun is most certainly the mother," interrupted L bluntly before Light could continue his rant.

He whipped around instantly, almost dropped the basket of electronics he was holding, and fixed the detective with an incredulous gape. "..._What?_"

L stared back impassively. "Light-kun is undoubtedly the maternal figure of this unfortunate couple."

Light set the basket down looking absolutely murderous. "What the fuck," he snarled, fingers already curling as if he wanted nothing more than to be strangling L at that moment.

L was sure that he did, in fact, want to wring his neck, so decided to explain the statement before either of them ended up seriously wounded. "Light-kun," he began calmly, holding up a hand to stop Light temporarily, "is the one who is fretting over the egg's safety, is he not? That is undeniable, I am afraid, considering the previous rant regarding its state of health and care."

Light frowned and relaxed slowly, calming a little. "... What, I can't be a concerned _father_?"

"Light-kun's behaviour is extremely typical of the 'Mother Hen' image, mm? Surely he cannot dispute that." Everything about L radiated smugness. Light slumped into the chair opposite him with a sigh, defeated, and began to sift through the basket for the correct light-bulb.

"... So," he huffed, ducking his head to hide his pout. L had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from smirking. "I guess that makes you the father, then?"

"Of course," hummed L. "Because Light-kun is also the more feminine of our couple."

"What--!" Light's head snapped up, an angry blush colouring his cheeks. He slammed the globe he had been looking at back into the basket and screeched furiously, "What the hell are you saying?!"

L remained unfazed, picking a chocolate out of the nearby bowl of sweets and swallowing it quickly. Light scowled and moved the bowl out of his reach, so for the sake of calming the petulant teen, he elaborated, "Light-kun has preached to me about emotions on various occasions, is constantly concerned about his own and others diets, spends over an hour in the bathroom each morning, and is extremely obsessed with the state of his appearance."

Light's flush was spreading to the tips of his ears, and he seemed to have forfeited the argument, because he simply crossed his arms with a huff and muttered, "Just because _I'd_ rather not look like a drowned cat every day..."

L pouted and poked at the egg, which Light promptly slid away from him. "Light-kun is mean," he sulked, pulling his legs up to his chest and retreating into his ball. "He has hurt my feelings."

Light snorted. "Oh, poor baby, I'm so _sorry_," he scoffed, rolling his eyes to accentuate his utter _sincerity_. "Would you like me to kiss it better for you, _dear_?"

The detective paused, looked up at him and blinked owlishly. "... I believe I would, yes."

Light almost fell out of his chair, the blush rapidly returning. "_What?!_ Ryuuzaki, you-- you know I was just joking, right?"

"I was not," declared L, and Light flushed an even darker shade of red, the colour creeping to his hairline. "Light-kun has wounded me quite severely, and I would rather like for him to kiss it better. If not, I shall simply be forced to steal a kiss for myself."

"And _I'm_ the one who supposedly preaches about feelings," he grumbled while he piled the light-bulbs back into the basket, having found the one he needed. He stood from his chair and turned to slide it back onto its shelf, speaking as he strained to reach the top level. "Look, Ryuuzaki, you can stop being weird now, you already won the argument." The basket slipped onto its shelf, and Light gave a small sigh of relief. "You can probably go home now, any--"

When he turned around, he found himself quite literally face-to-face with the detective.

"--way..."

All of a sudden, L's mouth was on his, and he could barely think through the sudden shock that the action had caused -- or, at least nothing more comprehensive than, _What the **fuck**?_

Soon enough, the need to breathe overcame his catatonic state, and Light shoved at L as hard as he could, which did little more than tear their mouths apart; L had gotten some sort of death grip on Light's arms, and his feet seemed to be glued to the kitchen floor.

Still, Light took a gasping breath, and managed to choke out, "R-Ryuuzaki, what-- _the hell was that?!_"

"A kiss," he replied simply. "I told Light-kun that I would steal one, did I not?

"I-I didn't think you were serious!" stammered Light defensively, his blush seeping past his neck, a furious, bright shade of red.

"I am always serious." L's wrist suddenly beeped, and he looked down at the watch he was wearing sadly. "Ah, it appears as though I will have to take my leave... May I have a goodbye kiss, Light-kun?"

Light bristled. "Why the hell would I do that?!"

"Hm? Is it not customary for the wife to give the husband a parting kiss?"

"Well, sure, I guess, but-- H-hey! Since when were we _married?!_ Where are you even coming up with-- Wait, why am I the _wife?!_" L quickly covered Light's mouth with his hand, ignoring the boy's muffled protests and frantic clawing.

"Light-kun talks too much," and suddenly, L was kissing him again.

Somewhere along the lines, when L was dragging him around the kitchen blindly, Light lost himself in the sensations, his denied attraction for the detective spurring him on, and he kissed back just as fiercely, fighting a losing battle for dominance with L.

L broke the kiss suddenly, and lifted Light up onto the kitchen bench, his lips and teeth on the boy's neck and his hands sliding up, under his jacket and shirt, and Light threw his head back and moaned, long and loud. "A-ah, L...!"

He was all too happy not to correct the slip of his true identity, and clambered up onto the bench, onto Light, his hands dropping down, clumsy and impatient as he fumbled to undo the _stupid_ buttons on those _damn_ pants, because Light was moaning and writhing and _keening_, and the clothes most definitely had to come _off_, and aha, they were undone, and he slipped them down to reveal--

_Crack._

Both boys looked down at where L's knee had crushed the egg -- apparently, their movements had tipped the glass over and it had rolled out; and was now revealed to, in fact, be empty -- and winced.

"Ah."

"Fuck."

The teacher assigned them a new egg, and another week of parenthood.

L had already decided that he was going to take Light back to one of his many hotel rooms this time around, give the damn egg to _Watari_ for the week, and lock himself _and_ Light in the bedroom -- preferably, with handcuffs and some form of whipped cream.

After all, he couldn't very well have Light being a _virgin_ mother. Where was the learning experience in that?

* * *

**Notes: **... No. No, you don't get any sex. At all. You can go home now. I hope the one-shot was enjoyable, regardless, though!


End file.
